10 things you should never, ever write

While I'm less of a stickler on certain points of grammar than I used to be, there remain a number of words and phrases that make me cringe. Beyond its and it's, there, they're, and their, and to, two, and too, there are a number of ways to mutilate the English language. Let's visit some of my (least) favorites.

1. You should never, ever have to emphasize the word never. It's the exact same thing as saying exact same. Redundantly repetitive.


2. You should literally never use the word literally for emphasis. Most times people use literally, what they mean is metaphorically, but it doesn't have the same ring.

3. I'm writing this blog at 3:30 a.m. in the morning. As opposed to 3:30 a.m. in the afternoon? For one, 3:30 a.m. is a terrible time to be writing a blog and often causes morning-after regrets. For another, if it's a.m., you can trust your reader to know it's morning.

4. Sit down or stand up for this one. Extra words that don't communicate anything should be abolished. Like up in stand up and  down in sit down. How else are you going to stand or sit? Same with fall down, raise your hand up, and lay down.


5. The way I see it, fiction writers should cut back on see and saw. A good writer can tell us what a character sees without using the word see. Also, don't say someone heard a sound. What else can you hear?

6. Breaking news! The media should buy a thesaurus and use it to find more interesting ways to say someone is outraged, devastated, or shocked.


7. While a well-placed adjective can be helpful, overuse makes writing trite, contrived, forced, banal, hokey, and cliché.

8. Unfortunately, the same goes for adverbs. In most cases, a strong verb communicates more than a weak verb with an adverb, the editor said snidely.

9. It seems like the word seems also weakens a sentence. It seemed like the monster was about to eat her isn't nearly as scary as The monster was about to eat her. I feel like the word feel has the same problem.

10. If you know your grammar, feel free to have fun tweaking it. Break the rules a little to say things in new and interesting ways. But if you don't know the rules, learn them before you go breaking them. Believe it or not, people can tell the difference.

Living Language

If you had the news on for even a second last night, you heard the big news that the Oxford English Dictionary has added words to its tome once again.

The words that made the cut (and the news) are symptoms of our times--LOL, OMG, and couch surfer.

Earlier this week, I heard a radio article on how high schools are trying to keep kids from using these texting abbreviations in their English papers. Turns out kids rule, at least according to Oxford. Of course, a dictionary's purpose is not to determine the value of language, but merely to record it.

Some of the new words in the dictionary this year surprised me. I thought these words would have been in there a long time : headline (as a verb), rototill, and rubberize.

Other words delighted me. It would be so much more awkward to say, "Look at that girl with a pouch of fatty skin sticking out above her pants that are either too tight or too low... or both," than to say, "Check out the muffin top." I'm also happy to see la-la land on the list.

My favorite new word this week, is just new to me, not to the dictionary.

Theodicy.

I'd define it for you, but I bet you can tell what it means just by looking at it. More on that later.

Under the Eye of the Clock

Christopher Nolan, author of Under the Eye of the Clock, died today at the age of 43. Nolan was crippled by Cerebral Palsy since his birth. Crippled in body, but not in mind. Nolan was brilliant.

He wrote so many words worth remembering, but this passage stands out to me today:

Communion served to join the silent boy with silent God, and into his masked ear Joseph poured out his mental whispering, begging blessings to be showered on his faithful friends. He looked out on scattered continents whispering his awe and pleaded for his brothers and sisters as though skin colour was but a variation of family crests. Wisdom seemed to wise him to see his awful boyhood as though awfulness was beautiful. His heard secrets cradled him and fruit served yet again to form on hiltopped briar.

I can only dream of penning words as profound as dwelt in Nolan's mind. 

Simplify

My friend gave me a sign. It says

S
I
M
P
L
I
F
Y

Problem is, I've got it leaning up against the wall behind my printer and a stack of books. So, really how it reads is

S
I
M
P
L
I
F

Hopefully, I'll get it hung soon as a reminder to keep down the clutter, both in the house and in my spirit. On the other hand, if things keep going how they are, soon I might only be able to see

S
I
M
P

which is old slang for SIMPLETON.

Which might be about right.

One Word

Play along if you'd like. Only one word answers allowed.

1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Your significant other? Priceless
3. Your hair? healthy
4. Your mother? networker
5. Your father? Knowledgeable
6. Your favorite thing? story
7. Your dream last night? quest
8. Your favorite drink? tea
9. Your goal or dream? novelist
10. The room you're in? messy
11. Your kids? female
12. Your fear? broke
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? content
14. Where were you last night? Yelm
15. What you're not? extroverted
16. Muffins? toppers
17. One of your wish list items? Trip
18. Where you grew up? Mendenhaven
19. The last thing you did ? groceries
20. What are you wearing? gray
21. Your TV? fuzzy
22. Your pets? cool
23. Your computer? grouchy
24. Your life? eternal
25. Your mood? even
26. Missing someone? always
27. Your car? dented
28. Something you're not wearing? earmuffs
29. Favorite Store? Powells
30. Your summer? open
31. Like someone? guess
32. Your favorite color? blue
33. When is the last time you laughed? Tonight
34. Last time you cried? Today
35. The person who sent this to you? Shelli
36. Who will/would resend this? Sandi
37. A good book? Tisha
38. A good movie? Enchanted
39. A good song? Holy
40. One word to share? Peace

On or in?

I've always said you stand in line, ever since I walked the halls of Glacier Valley Elementary School with my class, on the way to gym or lunch or to get a drink.

Now, it seems, everyone is saying you stand on line. I chalked it up to regional differences-- must be an east coast thing. But lately, our local west coast news channel have been talking about people standing on line.

Is it just me, or is this a recent change? I looked it up. Sure enough, it's changing. Apparently we're so used to talked about being online on the Internet that the phrase is getting generalized to other parts of life.

Okay, I can deal with the change now that I know where it came from. But what I can't deal with are some of the other annoying phrases that work their way into our vocabulary.

Outrage for example. Any time I turn on the news, someone is outraged about something. No one's just angry or miffed any more. We've got road rage and now even wrap rage (uncontrollable anger that arises when you can't open a package).

Or take holiday tree. Come on! If you're going to have a tree, call it a Christmas tree. You're not fooling anyone by changing the semantics.

For more words and phrases that should be kicked out of usage, check Lake Superior University's list of Banished Words.

My personal favorite was the tendency to combine names of celebrity couples. Think Branjelina and Beniffer. As one commenter said, it's so lame and pathetic... it's lamathetic.

Do you have any unfavoritist words to add?