A Losing Battle

How many movies have made fun of the intrepid gardener taking on greedy critters-- moles, squirrels, deer, ants, squirrels, raccoons, mice, squirrels-- did I mention squirrels? How many times does the gardener win the battle. Hmm.

NEVER!

At my last house, raccoons and deer were the enemy. Especially the coons that would climb up onto our second story deck, pick each almost ripe tomato, take one bite and toss the rest, uneaten, to the ground.

Here, it's the squirrels. We have the most lovely walnut tree, limbs heavy with nuts, but not for long. Apparently our tree serves as a u-pick center for the entire metropolitan area. I kid you not, I was driving home the other day and had to stop 2 blocks away to let a squirrel cross the road, a round green nut from MY tree in its little mouth.

I resist the urge to run out and yell at them because of a theory I have. I believe that squirrels get a kick out of training people to do crazy things. I can just imagine them at Dad's house, whispering to each other.

Squirrel 1: "Stay back here by the bird bath. I've got to show you this trick."
Squirrel 2: "Over here? Do I need to hide or anything?"
Squirrel 1: "Nah. The more of us he sees, the better."

Squirrel 1 then proceeds to climb the bird feeder and help himself to two cheeks full of sunflower seeds. Dad jumps to the window, waving his arms and yelling. He flips the window handle to make more noise. Squirrel 1 cocks his head with a twinkle in his eye and scurries back to his friend's side.

Squirrel 2: "That was pretty good. How long did it take you to train him?"
Squirrel 1: "Not long, but you have to use intermittent reinforcement to get increasing reactions."

I'm afraid of what I might resort to if I started reacting. Doesn't the gardener in the movies usually end up in a straightjacket while the intruding rodent sits back in a lawn chair and sips lemonade?