Considering I started out living 17 years in the same house, I've lived a lot of different places in my life. 3 countries and 4 states so far. Yet no matter how often we move, it's always uncomfortable getting to know a new place and a new way of doing things.
We joined a new co-op today. Everyone was friendly, I jumped right in helping in one class and teaching another, and, still, I felt that "I'm new, I don't know what's going on" feeling.
Big Fish in a Small Pond
I grew up in a small town in a state with a low population. If I wanted to be the best at something, all I had to do was apply myself and I was pretty sure to get recognized. Scholarships, good grades, state awards-- things were easy for me.
Medium Fish in a Medium Pond
Then I went to college. It was a good school with a lot of really good people. More people than I was used to but, still, it was pretty easy for my to find my niche and carve out a life there.
Purple Fish in a Green Pond
It was actually more like being a fish out of water. Moving overseas really stretched my limits. Not only was I not the smartest one anymore, I talked like a child. My first sentence? "Baba le nake la me." The termite is in the firewood. Now that was practical. I grew to love Togo and its people, but I never got over the feeling that people were watching me because of the color of my skin or because I was doing things differently or because I was doing things the same.
Purple Fish in a Purple Pond that Feels like it Belongs in a Green Pond
Moving back to the States is, in a way, harder than going overseas. We did it without all the build-up and hype, and without the company of teammates. Edwin went straight into a training program, which helped us both feel some purpose. But it took about 4 years before I started feeling like I knew what was going on. I still tend to over-analyse and look for the American-ness in a situation. I have to bite my tongue to keep from saying how I see things. It's not that I have a better idea, it's just that I know the way we do things is not always the best.
Little Fish in a Big Pond
So now we're in the city. There's a lot going on. There are more opportunities to plug into activities than anyone could ever do. I'm the new girl. I know I'll adjust, but it might take a while. Meanwhile, I'd like to hide behind some algae and rest for a bit. There were 400 fish in the co-op sea today and I'm exhausted.
5 comments:
hrmpek
There are days now when I feel like one of those big, grey, ungainly, nearly pre-historic groupers. Nearby is a swirl of baraccudas and sharks whirrling around with their hungry eyes on me. Maybe I need a hiding place too.
Actually I would think of you more as a colorful "Nemo" newly escaped from recent captivity in a tiny aquarium but now back in your native element where you are going to have a multitude of friends (sometimes quite unique and fascinating friends) and renewed opportunities.
Papa John
Thanks for a neat perspective. I admire your metaphical creativity. It makes for great writing. If "Papa John" is a blood relative, it looks like it runs in the family.
Patty,
years ago while visiting the Catacombs near Rome we found on the wall a picture of a ...
fish. Our guide told us that the Christians during the persecution would secretly meet down in the tombs. They drew fish on the walls that worked like arrows pointing the Christians in the directions they should go.
Patty whether you are purple, blue, green or white You just keep pointing people in the right direction.
I love this Patty! Such an accurate metaphor and one I definitely understand...
Patty, I definitely relate, especially with the purple fish in the green pond who feels like it belongs in a green pond. There is such a small population of people who can really understand this phenomenon that it makes you feel very alone in the purple pond even though you're surrounded by hundreds of other purple fish. I wrote recently on my blog that I myself feel more comfortable being surrounded by green (and other multi-colored) fish in this purple pond -- something that I'm trying to understand in myself.
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